The Ecstasy Trial: people get happier but thicker and men turn gay
The controversial Channel 4 live ecstasy experiment sensationally revealed that people get happier on the drug, with the most obvious drawbacks being takers getting “thicker”, while also causing men to “turn gay”.
The Ecstasy Trial, screened on live television, demonstrated that people of all demographics can feel euphoria when taking MDMA, even when tied to a metal bed with a brain scanner while doctors stare into your eyes and take notes.
Increased serotonin (the brain’s happy chemical) levels were recorded among all interviewees, though retired SAS hard man, Phil, said he felt anxious and wanted to beat the living crap out of anyone who got in his way.
Perhaps stealing the show, though, was volunteer Shabs, a 38 year old bespectacled professional raver of more than 20 years, who is a leading advocate of ecstasy and has boshed more pills than Heinz have Baked Beans. Video footage showed him relentlessly waving his arms about like a demented schizophrenic at a club until 5am, arguably providing the best advert of all for anyone thinking about getting into “pills”.
Asked by serious news presenter Jon Snow for his insights, Shabs answered with thoughtfulness and intelligence. “I don’t get the scientific fact of it, like, but whatever happens happens?” he said. “I’ve seen people die in front of me, like, and get carried out, you know, but that’s what happens like? I can only speak for me, you know, and it’s done me no harm after 20 odd years. I’m no burden on society, I’ve got a job.” (See video of Shabs/Three Little Bears in full flow - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIkiMNqRGEU&feature=plcp)
Three “men-bears” in a bed
The experiences of Shabs was then compared to a group of three men, who enjoy taking pills together in the confines of their own flats. As the night progressed it showed all three cuddled up on a bed while holding it each other lovingly with furry bear hats on. “I feel it helps us to connect on a deeper level,” one of the guys said. It is not known exactly what happened after the cameras had stopped filming but “it didn’t take a genius to figure out”, a source said.
The insider continued: “We’ve learnt here that there are very real dangers that men can seemingly turn gay if taking ecstasy, or at least become aroused, especially when there are three of you in a bed dressed as bears. This only adds to the belief that while it makes you happier it certainly diminishes your brain power, or in street language makes you thicker.
The source concluded: “While Shabs was unlikely to ever make it to Oxford University before going on to have a distinguished career in law or as a Colonel with the military, there still appears to be some doubt that the drug has only beneficial effects on the taker’s brain power. In any event these people are happy and ignorance is bliss, so let’s hope Shabs continues to bosh for another 20 years.”